My Story


Itís been a long day. I pull my car into my garage, cut the engine, and take a minute to just sit. I take in the aches in my muscles and the feeling of exhaustion that greet me everyday after a long day of hard work. I take a deep breath and gather the strength to get out and slowly make my way into my house. I kick my shoes off at the door and enjoy the relief my feet feel to be free. My coat gets hung in its usual spot and I ignore the screams emanating from my knees with every step I take toward my couch. It's about now that I begin my cool down time. My mind begins to wander as my body finds relief in relaxation. I turn on the TV and stare blankly at the latest reality show.
Slowly, my mind drifts over the events of my day, Iíve got to remember to call so-and-so, this person needs more time to finish whatever, that person wont be in tomorrow. Even as my mind processes it all, I can hear the little voice in my head remind me how pointless it all is. It tells me that tomorrow will be just like today, Iíll wake up early, go to a job I care nothing about, talk to people I know nothing about, and finally come home to a house filled with nothing. Before I even realize it the negative thoughts begin again. I start to think about all the other options I had, all the choices I could have, and should have made. I think of the men I could have married, the children I could have had. I think of a life thatís filled with satisfaction, not regret. The little voice inside my head is building momentum now; itís really on a roll. I think of all the changes I wish I could make, with myself and with the world around me. I begin to think of all the bad people who have everything and all the good people who have nothing. I feel myself getting angry as I ponder the injustices of this world. By now my mind is swimming in self-criticism, self-loathing, and self-doubt. I start to think about God, and I feel my anger begin to boil within me. I think of all the times Iíve sacrificed myself for others, all the times Iíve put myself at the bottom of my priorities for the sake of helping someone else. I feel the contempt rising inside of me, I imagine the ruthless people out there enjoying lives of luxury while Iím living a life filled with one problem after another. I curse out God for putting me through this, for making my life so difficult when I try so hard to do whatís right. Donít I deserve to get something in return? Shouldnít people like me be enjoying the good life? I feel a shudder go through me as the frustration I feel breaks its way out of my mind.
I suddenly feel very sad. My heart becomes heavy and I beg to God that this will be my last night in this world. I donít care where Iíd end up; I just want to be away from here. Away from a world where the cruel succeed and the kind struggle to survive. Over and over I beg to be set free, to go back to wherever I was before this life. Slowly my thoughts become incoherent; words are replaced with waves of pain that make my heart ache.
Itís in this state of despair that I hear another voice slowly become louder in the back of my mind. This small voice begins to tell me that everything will be okay. As the voice becomes more prominent I realize it is not my own. Repeatedly I'm told that everything will be okay, that I will be okay. I feel a sense of calm come over me. My muscles relax and I surrender to the calming voice reminding me of all that Iíve accomplished, all that Iíve overcome. It is then that I realize the source of the voice inside my head. Itís the voice of all